so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
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He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
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But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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