How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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