Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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