sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.