What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.