Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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