You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
