Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
