i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Randomize
