Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
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