I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Duck Duck Cougar?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
