Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
