so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
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