do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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