woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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