THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
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Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
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And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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