oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I am full of burrito and curiosity
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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