new low.... made out with someone while peeing
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
