im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
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