I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
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Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
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If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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