Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
