It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Randomize
