I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party