Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
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You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
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He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!