Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
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The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
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Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most