If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
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I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
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Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.