I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
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I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
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she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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