im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
