She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
