I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
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Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
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We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
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