you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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