There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
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So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
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I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.