Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Even my vagina gasped.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.