tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
