I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Randomize
