when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
its liver damage thursday
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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