I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
