She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
