??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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