the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
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The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
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I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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