I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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