IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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