went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
