I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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