I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
