ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"