If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
21 Bartenders That Are Definitely Winning At Their Jobs
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest