He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
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Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
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Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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