Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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