Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
