Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
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I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
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The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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