If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
