im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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