mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
