dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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